Such sweet sorrow

Well folks, it’s been fun. But unfortunately I have to go away for a while. And where I’m going, there will be no cycling mags, internet access will be severely restricted, and frankly I will be in no position to guide you through the stinking midden that is the UK’s cycling media (cries of “huzzah!” and “trebles all round” from Bristol, Croydon, etc).

But I will leave you with a few recommendations, based on my half-arsed analysis over the last six months. Think of this as my farewell Top 5 listicle:

Magazines

1 Cyclist. Still the best all-round mag for most right-thinking grown ups. Sure, they have the occasional duff issue, but they are mostly very good value.

2 Rouleur. An acquired taste, but if you like road-racing, good photography (mostly) and decent writing, this is the mag for you. Yes, a tenner a copy is expensive, but I feel it still represents good value compared to things like Pro Cycling and Cycle Sport.

3 Cycling Plus. There’s always a lot in it, but not necessarily a lot that I want to read. Certainly worth checking it out in the newsagent’s each month to see if it’s worth buying. More often than not, it is.

4 Cycling Active. Pretty dire these days, with a dreary mix of sportives, lightweight product tests, and dismal training plans for the wannabe racer. Don’t bother, unless you’re a faux-pro with more money than sense who thinks a 60 mile sportive is a race.

5 BikesEtc. Execrable shite. If it’s still going in six month’s time I’ll be quite surprised.

Websites

1 Cyclingtips.com. Excellent Aussie site (don’t let that put you off), with some really good content written by some very good writers. Going from strength to strength.

2 Road.cc. A fairly small site, but the quality is pretty decent, and it doesn’t over-do the listicles and click-bait (although you can find it there). Usually worth a look.

 3 Bikeradar.com. A big old site with plenty of content, most of it reasonably good. The forums are pretty busy too.

4 Rouleur.cc. Strange stories that you don’t get anywhere else, good writing, thought-provoking pieces. A good place to while away a few lunch-hours.

5 RoadCyclingUK.com. Way too many listicles and click-bait. Rarely has anything on it that hasn’t been done better by someone else.

Podcasts

1 Velocast. It’s paid-for, but is far and away the best bike racing podcast(s) out there. John and Scott are knowledgeable, engaging, amusing and add enormously to my enjoyment of bike racing (although John can shut the fuck up about bloody Hour records and TTing!). Cillian’s This Week in Cycling History is excellent, too. With the money you save from not buying shite magazines, spend it on this instead.

2 Pro Women’s Cycling. Properly good stuff from Sarah Connolly and Dan Wright, it’s slightly anarchic, a bit sweary, and mostly very entertaining. Their sheer enthusiasm shines through in a very appealing way (although Dan can sometimes over-do his Australian-ness).

3 Cycling News Podcast. I know! It’s actually not too bad! It does have a tendency to be a bit po-faced and earnest, but overall it’s a pretty reasonable effort most of the time.

4 Telegraph Cycling Podcast. Hosted by the Holy Trinity of cycling authors (Dan Friebe, Richard Moore and Lionel Birnie), I want to like this podcast. But I don’t. There’s a level of smug self-satisfaction from the hosts that I find a little bit annoying. My bookshelves are full of their books, and they probably have every right to feel pleased with themselves, but it doesn’t mean I have to like them. Being a “friend of the podcast” for £10 a year gives you access to long and dreary interviews with uninteresting sports people. The rest of it is free. I like Ciro, though.

5 The Spokesmen Round Table Podcast. Although fairly US-centric, Carlton Reid (Editor of Bikebiz) upholds the UK end of things. It’s quite “tradey”, but no less interesting for that. It’s primarily about recreational cycling, but does meander on to sport stuff from time to time.


 

And that’s all I have to say about that.

 

Weird twerking man-child alert!

I know I shouldn’t be mean. I know body dysmorphia is a terrible thing. And I know I shouldn’t judge by appearances…but what the fuck is that on the cover of NutsEtc??? Not the rather bland-looking Merida…I’m talking about the weird twerking man-child with the hairless plasticine legs. Eeuuuw! Creepy.

I thought the purpose of the front cover was to attract attention and act as an advert for what’s inside the mag. I suppose an image of a naked mole-rat on a bike attracts attention, but it’s still a hugely unappealing cover. It looks like a studio shot superimposed on a photo from their Lake District article, and lit by half a dozen different light-sources. It’s horrible. Truly the stuff of nightmares. And NutsEtc is finally running low on their stock of exclamation marks, so have to limit themselves to just a couple per month these days. If anyone buys this magazine it will be in spite of the cover, not because of it.

Inside, BlokesEtc is the usual steaming pile of crap. Take, for instance, “10 Reasons You’ll Love This Bike”. Aside from the fact that it makes no attempt at any kind of journalistic impartiality, it’s just bollocks. Only an 11-year-old would get excited about “space-age design” and “a bike of champions”. The same things could be said of the Austin Allegro (designed in the space age) and an A-Class Mercedes (as not quite driven by Lewis Hamilton).

The first test is of “Gravity Defying Racers”, but is basically just three random bikes costing between £2000 and £2400. Why these three? We don’t know. Why is there one female-specific bike in there? We don’t know. Why does the Merida have egg-beater pedals fitted? We don’t know. Why do they bother? We don’t know.

The story about the guy who cycled to Hong Kong could have been good, but basically it’s just a collection of  (nice) photos with captions, which doesn’t tell us much about anything. The Editor’s piece entitled “40 Fat-Busting Foods” starts with “Eat yourself thinner with our hit parade of nutritional superstars!” and goes downhill from there, blithering on about “scorching fat”, “boosting metabolism”, and “flushing out toxins”. I’m pretty sure I read this article in an 18-month-old copy of Closer magazine at the dentist’s recently.

The £100 Make-Over piece was actually fairly decent, giving some sensible advice about inexpensive upgrades. The same author also wrote the piece about get-you-home bodges, which is also pretty good. The same cannot be said of the “Expert” Guide to the Spring Classics, which rehashes the oft-told stories that can be found in Peter Cossins’ and Les Woodland’s books and contains this gem: “The final climb of the Tour of Flanders, the Muur van Geraardsbergen, often proves decisive in the race.” Basic factual errors such as this make me wonder if anyone at NutsEtc knows anything about bikes and bike racing. If you’re calling it an “expert” guide, then it better be bloody expert – the Muur van Geraardsbergen used to be the penultimate climb (followed by the Bosberg), but is no longer featured in the race at all.

Next we come to the kit section, which features custom shoes (not bad, but a bit lightweight), some random summer kit that will “get you noticed in the peloton” (really?), some random helmets (meh!), and a piece about brakes based on the hugely flawed assumption that no one thinks about brakes when buying a bike, and containing an admission that the staff at NutsEtc never bother looking at a spec sheet, or giving the bike a once-over, before they “test” it. Describing a bog-standard dual-pivot brake as “clever leverage-boosting tech” makes them sound like they’re writing for The Gadget Show.

The main bike test is of four (again, seemingly chosen at random) “sportive superstars”. It’s pretty turgid stuff that fails to adequately explain the geometry figures, doesn’t give a stack or reach figure, and which just feels like the same old shite. Similarly, the ride like a pro (John Degenkolb) is the same regurgitated twaddle we’ve seen many times before. And after seeing Degenkolb sprinting to victory in last year’s Milan-Sanremo, bobbing up and down furiously like a demented German porn-star in the throes of vinegar strokes, no one should want to ride like that. Perhaps that’s what the naked mole-rat on the front cover is attempting. The piece about better braking reads like it was lifted from the Early Learning Centre Guide to My First Bicycle and includes a horribly soft photo taken from the Ventoux feature.

At the back we have a lengthy piece about cycling in the Lake District. This was clearly a freebie laid on by the Cumbria tourist board, judging by the gushing tweets emanating from the BikesEtc account. It treads the well-worn path of Windermere, Hardknott and Wrynose, but at least the photos are good. The short article about Ventoux is OK, but feels vaguely familiar which makes me wonder if it’s been re-purposed from something in Cyclist magazine.

And that’s it. A rancid puddle of shite pretty terrible mag written by people who don’t seem terribly knowledgeable or erudite when it comes to cycling. It just feels so amateurish, as if they consider their readers to be utter fucktards and the staff are just having a laugh pissing about with bikes. It just doesn’t feel very Dennis Publishing, somehow, it feels like dilettantism.

And that brings me to a subtle change that occurred on the masthead in the last (April) issue. At the top it says “Produced for Dennis Publishing Ltd by Illuminated Media Ltd”. In other words, it’s not actually a Dennis Publishing publication at all. Illuminated Media is a company set up by Nick Soldinger (the Editor), and it appears that BikesEtc is now published under licence from a different address. Exactly what this means is hard to know. Certainly the mag is very different to how it used to be, and we’ve seen a major shift in emphasis (and quality) over the last few months. Does this mean Dennis Publishing is trying to distance itself from NutsEtc? If I was the publishing director at Dennis I would certainly be making like Pontius Pilate at the moment.


 

Tomorrow I’ll be pontificating on the latest issue of Cyclist. Or Cycling Active. Probably.

@TranquilloTommy

Loads of Latin Loveliness

This is more like it. After the pain of BlokesEtc and the mediocrity of Cycling Active this month, finally we have something worth reading — the April issue of Cyclist. Recent issues have been a bit so-so, but they’ve upped their game this month and this issue’s a corker.

After the usual news and new products stuff, and a Q&A with the CEO of Trek, we have a nice short piece about whether fluoro clothing is really a safety aid followed by an excellent piece by Trevor Ward about velodromes. Trevor is a properly good writer, and he manages to capture the excitement, thrill and lunacy of track cycling perfectly. It’s interesting, well written and thought-provoking, and a million miles away from the sludgy, pedestrian prose we find all too often in the bike press.

Even Frank Strack’s column about The Rules is more considered than usual, making some interesting points about leading by example rather than sneering and criticising. Of course it’s all bollocks really, but it can be quite entertaining bollocks.

The Big Ride is all about cycling in the Apennines in Italy, and this is exactly the sort of thing I want to read. I love cycling in Italy, and I’ve had the Blockhaus on my bucket-list for some time. Reading this piece made me more determined than ever to do it. And the photos are gorgeous (except for the one on page 51, which is inexplicably soft).

I’m afraid I didn’t bother with the training plan article, for reasons I have outlined way too many times already. I was also pretty ambivalent about the Contador article, too. As a rider, I think he’s a joy to watch on a bike. But like many of his generation, too much dirty water has passed under the bridge for me to have any trust in him. And the pistolero thing is just crap. Despite that it’s a decent look at the career of one of the best stage-racers of his generation which doesn’t shy away from the doping issues.

Next up is a piece about cycling the Dingle peninsula in south-west Ireland. This is another of those places I would love to visit, but am always put off by the extremely unpredictable weather. But the author and photographer managed to pick a good weather window and the feature looks and reads very well.

A Passoni Top Force with mechanical Super Record is the only bike for which I would ever trade in the Pig-Iron Pista. These hand-made, custom-built titanium frames are an absolute work of art, and I have lusted after one for many years. I actually experience a physical yearning, much as I did when I saw my first Kawasaki Z650 as a teenager some time back in the ’70s. There is a quickening of the pulse and a physical ache that a man of my age really should have grown out of by now. But I haven’t. I really, really, really want one. So I was more than a bit excited to find a piece about the Passoni “atelier” (Italian word for an artisan’s studio) in this issue. And I wasn’t disappointed…it’s a good article about an interesting company that makes some of the most desirable (and pricey) bikes in the world. When “Cannibalising The Badger” goes to the top of the bestsellers’ list and the royalty cheques come pouring in, I shall treat myself. In the meantime I’m just going to read this article again.

 

Sorry. I’m back now. Following on from the Passoni wank-fest is another cracking article, the first in a series about pro cycling’s hors categorie climbs, about the Cime de la Bonette, France’s highest paved road. The words are as good as you’d expect from Ellis Bacon, complete with soundbites from a acer who’d actually raced up it, and the photos are stunning. Yet again, Cyclist has pushed the bounderies of convention by using photos taken from a drone. These offer a unique perspective and capture the extraordinary nature of this climb in a really stunning way. With any luck the rest of the series will be as good as this, and I’m quite excited to see how (or if) the mags will use camera drones in the future to capture different perspectives and angles. And the best thing about drones? They won’t be able to carry a bank of 50 gigawatt flash units.

Next up is another really good article, this time by James Witts about the power struggle going on between the UCI and ASO. It’s a complicated and sensitive issue, but James handles it very well and if you’re struggling to understand what the hell is going on, this is a very good place to start. The story about concept bikes is also a good one, and looks at how the concept bikes of today may (or may not) lead to new advances in design and production.

The final big article is about riding the Milan-Sanremo sportive. It’s fairly typical of this sort of article (pain, misery, excitable Italians, foul weather), but I usually enjoy them from the warmth and comfort of my day-bed safe in the knowledge that I’ll never have to do anything this stupid. And it’s more riding in Italy. Sweet.

In the Bikes section we take a look at a Colnago Master X-Light (gorgeous), a Cannondale Slate (silly lefty) and the Formigli One (butt-ugly). These are followed by some Hunt deep-section carbon wheels and a look at SRAM’s Meh-Tap wireless gruppo, and at the back Felix runs through a list of pro riders’ nicknames.

At 170 pages it is 40 pages bigger than either NutsEtc or Cycling Active, and the quality of content is streets ahead (I only skimmed two articles). Good effort.


 

Back tomorrow with thoughts on Cycling Plus.

@TranquilloTommy

 

Gah…another fiver down the swanny

The latest issue of BlokesEtc is out, and it’s pretty much as you’d expect (but with more machismo, more listicles and fewer exclamation marks). Intelligent, informed, incisive, amusing…it is none of these things. And I’m afraid my overwhelming sense of ennui prevents me from saying any more about it.


I’ll be back on Monday with some thoughts about Cycling Active, or Pro Cycling. Or something.

@TranquilloTommy

Back on track?

A quickie today, as I have bicycles to ride, places to go, coffee to drink.

The March issue of Cyclist is out, and it has a nice sunny cover. So that’s good. And they have girls on the cover, in a good way, which is a refreshing change, even though we’re already well into the 21st Century.

After the usual news and new product stuff (puffa jackets? Really? On a bike?) we have an interesting little interview with Vin Denson about his part in Fast & Furious 6 being Tommy Simpson’s super-domestique. It’s a nice little piece, as is the following article about fast fueling during a ride. The piece about the Etixx training camp was a bit of PR puff for the team and failed to address the really important questions, such as why can’t the riders tie their shoelaces quicker. They spend all this time practicing lead-outs, sprinting, weight-training, and so on, yet they haven’t mastered the one thing that will get you an invite to a hellish sandpit in the middle-east — brisk shoelace tying. For the Qataris to complain about lack of respect while simultaneously working hundreds of migrant workers to death building football stadiums seems a bit rich, but it’s their money and they can put it in whichever brown envelope they like.

This month the High Grand Wizard of the Velominati is talking about riding in bad weather, but it’s just regurgitating oft-told stories of Bernard Hinault and Andy Hampsten and saying it’s OK not to ride if it’s icy. Meh.

The Big Ride this month is on the Croatian island of Hvar. And it’s fine. Susannah Osborne is a travel writer and does these things well, but it’s 15 pages long and the photos aren’t all that (why the occasional black and white? And too much contra-jour and lens-flare). The other issue I have is why Hvar? Yes it’s pretty. And yes it has some nice enough roads. But so do so many Mediterranean islands. And Hvar isn’t a big island, so is anyone really going to ship their bike over there to spend two days riding? I don’t know. I wouldn’t, but that’s because I’ve already been there by boat and know that there are only really two roads on the island.

So last month Cyclist did a ride outside San Francisco and this month it’s in Croatia. For me, this is not the way forward. I really only want three types of riding articles:

  • Stupidly hard Gran Fondos that I will never ride but which puts the journalist in a world of pain (Etape, Marmotte, etc).
  • Beautiful iconic rides which are achievable for most of the readers (Alps, cobbles, Pyrenees, Dolomites, etc).
  • Ridiculous tales of derring-do in weird places (cycling up K2 on a unicycle).

And while it’s nice for journalists to get a free holiday somewhere sunny, it doesn’t necessarily give the readers what they want (or maybe it’s just me).

Moving on, next is a good piece about dealing with extremes of temperature while riding. It’s an interesting sciencey article that neatly finds the middle ground between advice for newbies and degree-level biochemistry. This is about imparting useful, thoughtful advice rather than treating us all like idiots or showing off how much the author knows. Good stuff.

I generally don’t like racer interviews much, but the profile on Lizzie Armitstead was more interesting than most. I generally find that women racers tend to be more interesting and forthcoming than their male counterparts, and this seems to be the case with Armitstead. It would have been interesting if she had been asked about the dichotomy posed by being excited about her Team GB kit while at the same time living as a tax-exile. Monaco is full of British sports stars who are proud to be British but are unwilling to pay tax in Britain. But then I don’t know much about non-dom tax affairs, so let’s move on to the UK Ride…Trevor Ward’s Scottish road trip. He flogged a piece to CA about cycling the islands and now he’s punted a piece to Cyclist on the joys of cycling in the Highlands. It’s a nice story, with nice photos, and it’s a lovely part of the world. What’s not to like?

The story about Demon Frameworks is also pretty good, and reminds me why I ride the Pig-Iron Pista rather than something made from plastic. Demon is a proper one-man-band fabricator and makes some lovely frames. I like stories like this, and this one is well executed. Almost Rouleur-esque in some respects.

Next is a story about the Trek team press officer, which is an engaging look behind the scenes at a part of a team that rarely gets any recognition. Being a press officer must be a total nightmare most of the time, and this piece gives us a glimpse of what it’s like. Poor buggers. I enjoyed the Bianchi Gran Fondo piece too, mostly because it reminded me why Italy is still my favourite cycling country. Roll on summer and my annual pilgrimage to the Appenines.

Bikes tested this month are a Hersh Disc (which is really a Sarto Ernergia), a Cervelo S5 and a Chesini GP. All quite interesting in their own right. The Equinox carbon wheels are also interesting, albeit pricier and heavier than many at this level. And finally, Felix is telling us all about who has moved to which team and what sponsors they have. This is clearly written for people who have used up their data allowance and haven’t had internet access for the last month.

And that’s your lot. It’s a considerable improvement on the last couple of issues and even though it now costs £5.50 it’s still pretty good value. I would like to see a move back to more achievable Big Ride stories, but other than that it’s good enough to outlast the average lunch-hour.


 

Tomorrow, it’s issue 60 of Rouleur under the microscope. Until then, you can follow me here @TranquilloTommy

On the up

First off, I’m officially calling this: Vantablack is going to be huge in cycling. Yes, you read it here first. Vantablack. It’s the polar opposite to this (Vino’s hideous new bike):

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Vantablack is a paint made from carbon nano-tubes and absorbs 99.965% of light. They use it to coat the insides of telescopes. It’s so black as to effectively render anything you paint with it two-dimensional. If you paint a piece of crinkly silver paper (below) with it, it appears like a kind of black hole. How cool it that? It’s the ultimate matte-black stealth paintjob.

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Of course the downside is that it converts light into heat, so your Vantablack carbon bike will melt if you ride it in the sun. But my bike’s made from pig-iron and mahogany, so I don’t care (it would take the heat of a thousand suns to melt the Pig-Iron Pista).

Anyway, to the matter in hand —the March issue of Cycling Plus. I like the cover, it’s got light and shade, depth and movement. First Rides include the lefty-forked ‘dale Slate and an equally gravelly Bombtrack Beyond, the new Cervelo C5 (those of us of a certain age cannot see “C5” without going “aaaaaarrrrgh!”)

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Then we get to the news/new products mash-up, which is all fine. The first big feature is a test of bikes for middle-aged fat people “endurance” bikes for between £1500 and £2000. It’s a popular segment of the market, and we are told why these particular bikes have been chosen. There are even a couple of non-disc bikes in there, which is good. The test is fine, but what really struck me was the photography…it’s lush. Robert Smith has done a great job in what looked to be some pretty challenging conditions, and the result is some really nice imagery conveying a sense of speed and power, and giving the photos a sense of place. So much better than the hyper-lit frozen-motion shots we see all too often.

Next we have more odds and ends (shoes, computers, urban jackets and Garmin’s weird radar system, which I was glad to see C+ were as mystified about as the rest of us). After which we get the Seven Deadly Sins of Cycling. It’s basically a different way of presenting some good, solid advice to the readers. It’s aimed at the newbies rather than experienced riders, but it’s a decent read nonetheless.

The pedals test didn’t do much for me, but then I’ve found my perfect pedals and have no intention of changing them any time soon. I was slightly surprised to find £180 Dura-Ace pedals in an “affordable pedals” test, but then maybe compared to Speedplay Nanograms (£600 a pair) they are pretty cheap.

The piece on the Three-Peaks Cyclo-Cross Challenge is a good read. Like many of these things, I will never, ever take part in one, but I enjoy reading about other people’s misery and suffering on two wheels. Except the event doesn’t seem to need wheels because it’s basically a cross-country run with a bicycle slung over your shoulder. Entertaining idiots!

I liked Warren Rossiter’s piece about the Bianchi l’Eroica and the Specialissima very much, not least because Warren himself rode for the photos and I like to see a slightly chunky middle-aged man having fun on two lovely bikes. And Warren writes very well. Good stuff.

I should have put my prejudices to one side and actually read the piece about power meters. But I didn’t. I have zero interest in power meters because anything that requires a temperature compensation algorithm has no place on my bike. But this looks like a pretty reasonable look at what’s available, even if there is a distinct lack of data in the piece.

The How-To section contains a handful of rather lightweight advice pieces, but one in particular caught my eye: Descend Like a Pro. Really? 300 words from Tiffany Cromwell and you’re descending like a pro? Gimme a break. For a start, no one should do anything like a Pro, let alone descend (have you seen Thibault Pinot riding down hills?). Pros are not role-models, so don’t do anything like one. Don’t eat like a pro, don’t sleep like a pro, don’t ride like a pro. Seriously, these people are not normal and you don’t want to be like them.

Moving on…John Witney is writing about turning his brother into a MAMIL. I don’t know whether John comes up with these ideas himself, or whether he’s just clearly the right man for the job, but it’s good stuff. Like his bunking-off-on-a-day-trip-to-Mallorca piece last month, John has a light touch and it makes for a good read. The illustrations, though…downright wrong!

The Big Ride feature claims to be about somewhere in Scotland, but clearly isn’t (there was sunshine and people with all their own teeth). Actually, it’s the Isle of Arran. Maybe the weather’s different there. Anyway, it’s a nice piece about a lovely part of the world. Interestingly, Trevor Ward (the author) managed to squeeze the most out of his Scottish trip by flogging a piece to Cyclist this month as well. Now that’s smart freelancing.

At the back, Ned displays some shockingly poor parenting skills. He advocates keeping your kids away from bike racing on the telly, but in reality they add to the enjoyment, particularly if they are already getting to grips with football as well.

Me: What do you think of Astana?

Kids: Shit!

Me: What do you think of shit?

Kids: Astana!

All: We hate Vino and we hate Vino, we hate Vino and we hate Vino…etc

And my middle son’s first words? Djamolidine Abdoujaparov (at least that’s what it sounded like to me). So get the kids involved early on and while away those long transitional stages with sweary songs and firing darts with suction tips at the TV when your least-favourite rider appears on the screen.

And that’s it for this month. All told, a good effort by the C+ team. I didn’t think this would happen, but I am increasingly finding more to interest me in C+ than in Cyclist these days. I’ll be back on Monday with a few thoughts on Cyclist.

@TranquilloTommy

 

 

 

 

 

I’m so sorry

I am, I really am sorry. I thought I could do this. I thought I was strong enough. But I’m not. I JUST CAN’T READ ANY MORE OF THIS SHIT! Those morons at NutsEtc have pushed me too far. Just look at the latest cover:

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Oh no, wait…that’s not it. That’s waaaay too subtle and understated. It’s this:

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And check out the language: Kill, Nastiest, Staggering, Horror, Secrets, Power! It’s utter, utter shite. Seriously. If it said “Marco Pantani Found on Moon!” I wouldn’t be surprised. But they did manage to get 13 exclamation marks onto the cover, so clearly it’s time for Nick’s medication.

Anyway, let’s do this, shall we? First we have 10 Reasons Why Pinarello’s Marketing Department Love This Bike (it has gears, and everything!). And the Gan Disc is only £3500, for an Ultegra-equipped bike that weighs 8.6kg. Apparently it’s better than Chris Froome’s Dogma.

The first test is of “tough bikes”, where the magazine boys “beasted” three perfectly normal road bikes in the Brecon Beacons, because that’s where the SAS do their training so it must be tough there. Seriously? How old are these guys? Nine? If you’re talking tough, then where are the Croix de Fers, the Surlys, the Konas? Feeble.

Despite all the sensationalist crap, the essence of the Taylor Phinney piece is quite interesting. As a man who has broken more than a dozen bones in the course of my journalistic career, I empathise with Phinney and I thought this piece was nicely written (and therefore completely out of place in NutsEtc). The following piece about night riding isn’t too bad, but when I read that taking along a companion is a good idea “because you’re less likely to get spooked” I realised that these guys are actually nine years old. Bless. I hope they told their mummies where they were going.

And the kiddies at NutsEtc seem to want to be cycling superheroes (a theme that crops up every month) as well . I bet Nick has a cape somewhere at home. Anyway, you can be a cycling superhero by learning a bit of first-aid. This is actually a fairly tricky subject to write about in this litigious age, because amateur first-aiding can sometimes do more harm than good. As an Editor I wouldn’t touch this with a bargepole; instead I’d do a piece on first-aid training and leave it at that.

The piece of the World’s Toughest Sportives is a four-page listicle filler with no real substance, and the six pager on overcoming your fears of cycling is a bit odd. My advice would be to get off the turbo and ride your damn bike properly, but that’s just me. As a piece about sports psychology, though, it’s a decent read. I didn’t bother with the Eat Like Team Sky feature because a) I’ve already got a copy to Hannah Grant’s book, and b) I’m a strictly paniagua kind of guy (if you get my meaning).

And so to the reviews section. First up, hi-viz clothing. It’s OK as far as it goes, but it’s by no means comprehensive and the graphical style of piece makes it very light on words. Next pedals. It starts with this gem: “Pedals are all the same, right? Wrong!” I’m afraid I rather lost interest at that point. You see I know not all pedals are the same, and I know about Q factors, float and stack height. For those that don’t, this is probably OK, but they didn’t give you any of these figures in the test (except for float angles for the Ultegra, Keo Blades and Speedplays).

The overshoes test is a waste of time (three sentences written on each of the six products)…you’d be better off looking at the Wiggle website. And the tough tyres piece just made me want to put my head in my hands and weep. Seriously people, this is amateur hour stuff. Check your tyre pressures at least every fortnight? I suppose that’s fine if you only ride every fortnight. But there is nothing in here about rubber compounds, about carcass construction, or anything that actually matters. Plus they give weights for 25c version of the tyres, except for the Arisun which is a 23c (and still weighs 321g!).

I can’t even begin to tell you how shite this test is. If ALL you care about is not getting a puncture, then this is the test for you. Never mind that crap tyres dramatically increase your chances of falling off, at least when you do come crashing to earth you won’t have to fix a puncture. Your frame may be snapped in half, but your rock-solid, massively heavy and unresponsive tyres will be fine. FFS! It’s a single-track vehicle that depends on its tyres for everything. So don’t buy shit tyres (you’re not in the company car now!). The tyres tested have carcasses with between 30 to 60tpi…what sort of ride is that going to give? And the winners weigh in at around 700g the pair. At least have a bit of discussion about trading grip and comfort for longevity and puncture-resistance. This isn’t just shit…it’s ill-informed, stupid shit.

Sorry. This stuff makes me somewhat less than tranquillo. Moving on: titanium race bikes. It’s not a bad read (and who doesn’t love a bit of titanium), but there’s no explanation of how titanium compares to steel, ally or carbon, and how can the specs not include size and weight of the bikes tested? Sigh.

And finally is The Edge section, normally the place for advice aimed at people who know nothing about cycling. And the hysteria is back: 10 WAYS TO STOKE YOUR CYCLING…Zzzz. But at least the Editor got value from the testing-tough-bikes-like-the-SAS by doing a ride piece on the Brecon Beacons. And that’s pretty much it.

I should probably count the editorial pages, do some analysis of how the mag is doing, and all that stuff. But frankly I’m too depressed to spend any more time on this. The one or two decent articles don’t make up for the rest of it.